Whole-Hearted Loving

Leonard Carr: Hi, this is Leonard Carr, in-house psychologist to Infusion Radio. And I’m answering an email from a listener called Brett, who wants to know how to love, and be loved wholeheartedly.

Brett, I have to tell you that I love the word wholeheartedly because it implies loving with a full heart, but it also implies being whole, being complete. When you are complete within yourself, when you’re a complete person, when you feel home, in other words, you don’t feel lacking in any way, then when you give to others, you give to others from your abundance. It’s like if you were to put it in a financial sense, giving from your interest, from your dividends as opposed to giving from your capital.

When you don’t feel whole, when you don’t feel complete, it’s like giving from your capital. And when you’re giving from your capital, when you’re giving from a place wherein you’re incomplete, then you feel like you’re losing something. And when you’re giving and you feel like you’re losing something, then either it becomes hard for you to give, because part of you wants to give and part of you and part of you wants to hold on, or you’ve given a way that actually makes a demand on the other person. And then they experience in giving others giving but actually as a demand, as an expectation, as a kind of bargaining in a relationship. And when the other person feels that your giving is either a strain for you or it’s making a demand on them, then the other person feels that the essence of wholeness is threatened and they start to hold on to their resources and stop giving wholeheartedly.

And so what happens is whenever a relationship with two people who don’t feel whole, they are constantly struggling to get the other one to give. Both are afraid to give from themselves because they feel they experience it as depleting. And so people get locked into a kind of struggle which often becomes bitter about who’s going to be the one to do the giving and who’s going to be the one to do the receiving. And what happens is that they both tend to become more and more demanding, more and more angry, bitter, blaming, less and less giving, less and less trusting, and less and less wholehearted.

And so the secret of giving wholeheartedly is to realize that the more you give actually, like investing, the more returns you have. The more you give wholeheartedly, the more complete you actually feel. That’s a paradox, we tend to think that you hold on to your wholeness, you hold on to your completeness by conserving what you have and it seems on first flash that by giving, you losing something, but the reality is, the more you give, the more you invest, the richer you feel. And the more you feel that you have to invest, the more possible it becomes to invest and so by trusting that you have the resources, you have the abundance from which to give, and trusting the fact that the more you give, the richer you’ll feel. You start to give in the wholehearted way that you want to give.

And when the other person feels that they’re receiving from someone who is wholehearted, when they feel they’re receiving abundance, and they know that there’s plenty of resources and love and goodness and giving and kindness in the relationship, then they feel number one, the need to reciprocate, but number two, the safety to reciprocate because they know that they will not be being depleted by reciprocating Because they are giving to someone who is already whole. And so the other person can also start to give wholeheartedly.

So the paradox is that the less you give, the less you get. And the more you give, the more rich you feel, the less you actually need and in any case, the more you get. And so what I would say to you, Brett that if you want to love others wholeheartedly, do it and feel the effects of it. And slowly, you’ll start to feel that sense of wholeness and it will become easier and easier and more and more natural for you.

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